My Years As A Goat

Each day that passes as I live here on a mountaintop stands between my current self and that Oxnard girl. The change in me from one day to the next may be inappreciable, but I am astounded by what the Lord has accomplished in my heart over the last three years. I praise God for His faithfulness and grace as I walk.

Lately I have been hearing a lot of people talking about the "scary" verses of the Bible, like Matthew 7:23 in which Jesus delivers the chilling "I never knew you." And although I was introduced to the Lord at a very young age, I have seen myself in the description of those who have the appearance of godliness but deny its power- who understand but have not fully surrendered- who are lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God. I grew up in a church that boasts being saved by grace with a wink and a nudge. While this mindset is certainly not responsible for any of my poor decisions or pet sins, it gave some leverage to my rationalization of them, as I settled comfortably into self-sufficiency and an apathy toward relationship with my Savior. If you had asked me how I was doing during these years, of course, I would have said "Great!", and meant it.

Years ago, on a particularly slow day at Chili's, I was talking to Zach, who I had worked with for a year or so, about an event being held at his church. I asked where and when it would be, thinking that I might check it out. He smiled and asked: "Oh, are you a Christian?" and my heart just broke. Seriously, I felt like I had cracked apart and crumbled into a heap right there by the chip machine. How was it that this coworker of mine did not know to Whom I belonged? How was I conducting my life?

God used Zach's question to spawn an examination of my heart. Because He is merciful, He brought me out of the noise and into this quiet little town. He loves me enough to equip me to abide in Him, and to turn me into who He wants me to be. My wool is dingy, and my limbs are weak, but I'd rather be a runt in the flock than a big, fat goat.